


nocturnus dilectio

by aaxbbxx



Series: The Universe is Ours • 2nd Oneshot Collection [17]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mentions of self-harm, Soulmate AU, Suicidal Thoughts, a vampire and wolf au, all ships are soulmates, but as always a happy ending, heavy angst be warned, we all know they are soulmates, we'll see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:57:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22174411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaxbbxx/pseuds/aaxbbxx
Summary: When two creatures of the night are found to be fated, what would happen when the other is adamant in fighting what’s supposed to be the greatest bond of all?
Relationships: Kim Myungjun | MJ/Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin, Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin, Park Minhyuk | Rocky/Yoon Sanha
Series: The Universe is Ours • 2nd Oneshot Collection [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1600558
Comments: 30
Kudos: 88





	1. Phase 1

**Author's Note:**

> no proofreading as of yet, will edit in the future lol

When Sanha came to be what he was decades ago, he loathed himself. When that random person _ saved _ him, he wasn’t really saved from the life he was to lead on that very night he took his last breath, only to awaken a whole new being. He became a vampire. His sire, had mistaken him for his target and he was brutally killed before he could even feel the pain of being killed. He had only known he was dead when he woke up and felt the unclenching thirst in his throat and his _ sire _ looking at him apologetically as he fed him what Sanha’s first taste of blood – but certainly not the last. His Sire had explained what happened, and it freaked Sanha out, he was still _ so _ young, just shy of eighteen years in the world when something life changing had happened. After that night, his supposed Sire had left him with another lame apology and that was the last he saw of the man who turned him into what he was. A creature of the night.

Along the way, Sanha had to learn by himself on how to cope with living as a vampire. Something he only ever heard of in movies and books. The first few weeks were hard, and he almost killed his entire family when the thirst was too much. That was also the day he decided it would be better if he left, and that was what he did, leaving his three brothers, his mother and father. It was that, or he would end up with their blood on his hands. He chose the former.

As decades went by, he learned a lot about being a nocturnal creature. First, it was a myth about not being able to be underneath the sun – he can freely be out in the sun, but he guessed the myth came to be because it was easier to hunt at night for vampires, thus the belief. Second, no matter how many crosses or garlic came his way, it had no effect. He wasn’t affected at all since it was all science and genetics that created him to become what he was, if he was to get technical, the venom a vampire released into their intended sire would unravel their DNA and mutate their genetic code and thus, a vampire was born. Lastly, a myth that was believed by everyone including humans, was not a myth after all. It was that Vampires and other creatures – one he discovered that it wasn’t only vampires living in the midst of humanity – have soulmates.

As cliché as it sounds, each specialized _ creature _ have soulmates or as Latin would have it, _delectio _ , or spiritual love. It stemmed all the way into genetics again. But he met an old vampire who lived eons before him and she explained to him how a soulmate would mean so much to a vampire. They would be their everything, someone who would love them for who they were, someone who would live for eternity with them - human or not - and they would be their other half who would complement them in every single way. They would be able to tell by sight, scent and by touch, the electrifying scent that would only ever belong to one person for life and the sparks that would ignite. The way she spoke had Sanha feeling something he hadn’t felt since he became what he was, _ longing _ . He had stopped hoping to have someone in his life, but hearing that there was a chance of having someone be there with him, a _ soulmate _ that would cherish him, he felt that hope bloom again. The old lady vampire had given him a motherly smile as she spoke of such things, describing also the heartbreak of having a soulmate, the art of rejection and the death of your mate. _ It will leave you with such a deep scar that would make you feel empty for eternity that you would wish to just die. _When he asked how she knew, she only smiled sadly and left. A few days later, he found her dead by her own hand. Sanha understood then, and he only hoped that wouldn’t happen to him.

* * *

  
  


Sanha moved around a lot, being a vampire and never aging would raise alarms and so, for decades he hopped from one city to another, to provinces, to mountains. By then, he already had experience in all kinds of climate and in all kinds of jobs. This time around, he decided to go for Seoul and pose as a university student studying performance arts. Before he became a vampire, he had always loved to perform and was even a trainee for an entertainment company. But he had to leave it all behind. He never bothered to go back in the past because it hurt to think of his life back then. As the years went by, the pain slowly ebbed and he figured it was time to face what he loved most and go back into it again, though albeit more differently this time around.

Sanha felt anxious as he held his phone in hand. He was waiting for an important message that would decide his fate in staying in the area. Before he could settle, he has to check in with whoever ran the territory. It had become a routine, but it never fails to keep him on edge. This time, the territory belonged to one of the biggest packs in not only Korea, but the entire world. It belonged to the _ Flamma Caeruleum _ pack, with more than ten thousand members and more than hundreds of allies around the globe, they were the most feared and well-respected wolf pack there was. Though, their reputation precedes them, he had heard that the alpha pair were the most generous and humble there was, except when you cross them; one thing Sanha was sure never to do.

Sanha wasn’t scared that it was a wolf territory he entered in, as much as _ myths _ say that wolves and vampires can’t mix, but again it was all rumoured beliefs. Many wolf packs and covens were friends and allies, so Sanha wasn’t anxious about that. The only thing he was worried about was when they would question his lonesome self and potentially deny his stay. A lone wolf, much more a lone vampire, always raised awareness as it alarms for a potential rogue threat. But all Sanha wants was to start another new life in this city. As he was contemplating, his phone buzzed.

_ Beta Moon _

> _ The alpha has received your request. The alpha pair would like to invite you for a formal proceeding about your settlement, together with a written understanding. If possible, please reply with the earliest availability. _

Sanha sighed in relief at the message, if he understood right, they were fine with him settling in their territory. Though he knew, it wouldn’t be until he signed that contract of agreeing to their terms of safety and security of the whole pack that he would be really sure that it was okay to staying in the area and that he would be protected from any potential threats as well. He quickly wrote a reply and got ready to meet with the famous alpha pair. With heart pounding, Sanha was all set to go.

***

When Sanha drove through the compound, he didn’t expect to drive into a long deserted forest road and be met with another set of gates, leading to another long – though shorter than the first – road that would lead him to the pack house. His Hyundai Grandeur travelled through the gravel until he finally reached the huge mansion of a penthouse. Though Sanha knew that a huge pack like Flamma Caeruleum was rich, he was still shocked just how _ wealthy _ the pack really was. When he parked his car and got out, he was surprised to be greeted by a tall man, though not as tall as him, looking at him chicly and coolly which made himself nervous at the calculating look the other was giving him.

“Yoon Sanha?” The voice was soft compared to the hard look on the man’s face. When Sanha nodded, the entire aura changed into that of a cute puppy, which was ironic seeing as the other was a wolf, and the hard lines of his mouth turned up as he grinned brightly at Sanha. “I’m Beta Moon, though you can just call me Moon Bin. Welcome to _ Flamma Caeruleum _, the alphas are waiting for you in their office.”

As they entered the pack house, it wasn’t bustling with members of the pack, and Sanha was surprised seeing as it was nearly empty. Moon Bin must have seen his face because he chuckled, making Sanha bow his head in embarrassment.

“There’s not much people because most of them had moved out into their own homes in the surrounding area within the compound. The main pack house is now only for the alpha pair, the beta pair, which includes me and my mate, and the guardian. We have extra rooms because of the members that moved out but now it serves as temporary accommodation for those waiting for their own houses or for those who chooses to stay in the main house.” Moon Bin lead him up a set of stairs. “But since the alphas had offered to have everyone built either a house or apartment where people can still live together but with more privacy than the main pack house, everyone took their offer. Most of them either live in duplex homes or in apartment complexes around the compound.”

Sanha gave out an interesting hum. He was surprised because he thought packs like to stick beside each other, especially in times of threats within the territory. As though Moon Bin read his mind, he smirked. 

“It doesn’t mean that enemies can infiltrate easily though. We are always everywhere. One call, and we’re there.” The man brought him in front of white mahogany doors. “Here you are. I won’t be in the meeting with you because I have to pick my mate up from work. But it was nice to meet you. You seem young, although I don’t really know your _ true _ age, but since you _ look _younger, call me Hyung from now on.” Moon Bin patted his shoulder as Sanha stared at him with surprise. “Off you go, I’ll see you around.” The man waved goodbye before descending the staircase, leaving Sanha standing alone in the deserted hallway. 

Sanha breathed out slowly. He already knew the alpha pair knew he was already there, their strong senses having told his arrival before he even set foot in the house. Before he could let his nerves sink in, he grabbed the door handle, turned it, and entered.

When he stepped foot in the room, it was just like the rest of the house. Everything was white. Though it gave off a homey vibe with all the arts and décor adorning the walls. He was greeted by two men, and though he knew the two were alphas, one of them exude more dangerous aura than the other. They both stood up and the shorter one greeted him with an open smile.

“Hello. I’m Jinwoo.”

Sanha bowed his respects. “Yoon Sanha.”

The one that exuded the powerful aura smiled at him and gestured for him to take a seat. “I’m Myungjun but people call me MJ. Please, make yourself comfortable.”

He bowed again and sat in front of them, as the two sat behind the desk side by side looking like the respected alpha pair they were.

Jinwoo chuckled and Sanha looked in surprise. “Don’t be too nervous kiddo, we don’t bite. We just need to ask a few questions, then we can get to signing and then we’re all good.”

Sanha did not feel threatened by the two alphas, in fact they both seem to emit a parental vibe that he was used to from his parents, which made him feel bittersweet. He shook those thoughts away and nodded in acknowledgement. “Okay, you can ask away.”

“We know your name and date of birth, which determines you are older than us although you look younger.” Jinwoo started and gave off a soft fond smile. “We just want to know your background, whatever you feel like sharing.” Beside him, Myungjun assuringly nodded at him. 

Sanha has never shared his full story to anyone, but looking up at the two, he didn’t know what made him do it but as he opened his mouth, his secrets and his truth just spilled over. By the end, he was teary but he felt a huge relief now that someone knows him, the _ real _ him. Jinwoo looked like he was going to cry and he stood up. “Can I give you a hug?” Sanha was astounded but nodded and when the other came around to engulf him in his embrace, Sanha melted. He felt like he was back in his father’s arms. “Myungjun, I’m adopting him!” Sanha felt himself jerk in surprise, but didn’t protest, feeling warm all over. 

“Baby, as much as I want to, we can’t. He’s a full grown man and he might think you’re weird, when you just met.” Myungjun spoke and Sanha felt sad at that, thought he didn’t like him but the next words brightened him up when the other alpha spoke directly to him. “Though you’re older, and though we won’t ever be replacing your parents or brothers, _ and _ the fact that we all just met. What do you say about us being your hyungs? Like family?”

If someone were to look at the three of them, it would be beyond weird. But Sanha had lived alone all these years, no one ever offered to be his family just like that. Looking at the two, he felt a bond form between them even if they just met, and maybe just maybe, he can finally settle in one place and can finally start living. So Sanha nodded and the answering grins were a match to his. 

***

Sanha still had to sign his contract even though the two alphas had ‘adopted’ him as a younger brother; he was still a stranger to the pack and new to the territory. Though wolves and vampires were civil, his two new hyungs had mentioned that their Epsilon - their guardian and in charge of protection and combat - wasn’t as welcoming but that Sanha didn’t need to worry because he didn’t have to meet him any time soon since the man was away to train their one of their allied packs. 

Jinwoo and Myungjun offered him a place to stay within the pack and although he insisted he was fine staying at a hotel, the two alphas would not take no for an answer, saying their maknae was not to be staying far from family. So Sanha had agreed, reluctantly, before going back to his hotel to gather the rest of his things, which weren’t much since all he really brough were books, his guitar, clothes and his blood bags. Over the years, it was easier to feed from blood bags than go hunt; he hated killing animals ruthlessly to drink their blood — even though he still eats meat, it was different getting them from the meatshop compared to doing the killing himself.

Sanha wasn’t used to living with anyone; not since he ran away from home after becoming a vampire. But now, not only was he going to live with other people, but werewolves at that. He knew the two species were well past civil but he was worried about the Epsilon of the pack. Though the two alphas told him that there was no need to be concerned about the man, Sanha can’t help the nagging feeling telling him that this would be a problem once the person comes back. But he couldn’t say no to Jinwoo and Myungjun, not only because they were alphas but deep inside he was longing to be part of a family again.

“Ah! You’re back!” Myungjun greeted him as soon as he got off his car when he arrived back to the pack house. The fierce leader from earlier was replaced by a very energetic and high tensioned person that wouldn’t stop smiling. He was pulled by the other just as he was about to gather his stuff. “Oh, let Jinwoo do that, and let me give you a grand tour and find you a room you’d like.” Just as he said, they passed by the other alpha who’s back was turned to them before he yelped when Myungjun slapped his behind. “Sanha’s stuff, baby! Go and get moving!” Myungjun only snickered when Jinwoo sent him a glare rubbing his ass. Sanha couldn’t help but laugh as he stared bewildered. He never thought the ‘don’t mess with me’ alpha from earlier was this ‘happy virus’ Myungjun. 

“Don’t forget to let him _ actually _ choose MJ!” Jinwoo called out as they ascended the grand stairs. 

“Pshh, my mate thinks too little of me.” The older said while he simultaneously gave Sanha a tour that the younger had already forgotten with how fast the elder walked and talked. “The upper floor consists of the alpha suite which Jinwoo and I live in. The floor below is where the other bedrooms are in which Bin and his mate have the beta suite. My Epsilon has his own suite, and since he doesn’t have a mate yet, he takes that alone. As you saw, the office from earlier. We have two other bedrooms on this floor which you can choose from. But if you’d like to stay on the ground floor there’s about ten rooms or so available. Then we have the huge dining area that could fit about thirty or so people, but if we have a gathering we end up doing it outdoors ever since our pack became so huge. There’s just not enough room.” Sanha listened intently as much as he could, head still reeling from the information. “Aha! So there’s the two rooms I told you about. The beta suite is at the end of the hall, towards the back of the house. Bin wanted _ privacy _ .” Myungjun rolled his eyes. “One room is beside the Epsilon’s while the other is just a few meters down before you get to the end of the hallway. If i were you, I’d choose the one beside our guardian’s room, Bin’s a mess in the morning and trust me, as much as everything is sound proof, there’s no escaping a tornado Bin. That’s the reason why we don’t put flower vases in the halls anymore.” Myungjun grinned up at him as he opened said room. “Ta-dah! I can always show you the other one, but _ trust me _. This is the room for you.”

“Myungjun! Come down for a sec!” Jinwoo’s voice floated up the stairs just as Sanha was about to reply. Myungjun patted his shoulder, “Okay, take a look while I go help my little mate.”

“I’m not little!” Sanha giggled as Jinwoo’s voice boomed, while Myungjun snickered wholeheartedly before leaving him alone.

Sanha finally turned around and gasped at the room. It was grand but cozy. Overall, it was white with hints of gold. A queen size bed was in the middle of the room, beside it on a wall was a built in bookcase. But what really made him fall in love with the room was the window seat beside the bookcase that took the corner so it was shaped into an ‘L’. He could already see himself spending most of his time there. 

“From your expression, I guess I was right. You’re taking this room, then?” Sanha jumped at Myungjun’s voice behind him. He whirled around and nodded vigorously. The older laughed. “I told Jinwoo I’m great at reading people especially since I wanted to be an interior artist. I know my stuff.” Myungjun winked then he turned around. “C’mon, I’ll introduce you to the pack. But before that, let’s have a quick dinner before everyone tries to steal your attention, especially the pack kids. They are a _ curious _ bunch.” Sanha followed, feeling excited but scared when Myungjun mentioned the pack kids. He wondered what he meant by _ curious _.

***

When Myungjun introduced him to the pack, he felt welcomed and finally like he belonged. Though it was by no means, replacing his own family, but living on his own for years had made him lonely. He never got attached and no one ever offered. But now, looking at the werewolves surrounding him and the _ curious _ bunch of kids who demanded his attention to play and had lots of questions about being a vampire, he was finally where he could belong. Though he knew he won’t ever feel complete without his mate, but he can wait.

“C’mon guys, let’s give Sanha some space. I know Jinwoo prepared some cupcakes in the kitchen.” A voice that was unfamiliar spoke and the kids pouted but immediately ran off after hearing about food. When Sanha looked up, he was greeted by a very handsome man smiling down at him. Sanha was no attracted perse, but the man just radiates and it was hard not to notice. Said man offered a hand. “My name is Dongmin, Bin’s mate. I’m sure you’ve met him.”

Sanha let out a gasp before shaking the other’s hand. “Beta Dongmin, it’s nice to see you.”

Dongmin waved his hand in dismissal and made a face. “Please, just Hyung. Calling me that sounds so formal and we’re family aren’t we? I heard all about how Jinwoo wanted to adopt you.” Sanha blushed before he nodded in acquiesce. “I heard you’re starting university? I’ll probably see you there, since I teach English part-time.”

“Oh really? That’s actually great! Even if you’re a professor, at least I’ll know someone. Although it won’t be a first to be in a new university, the feeling is always the same when starting over.”

Dongmin looped an arm over his shoulder and steered him among the crowd towards where Sanha could just see Bin and MJ having an eating contest with Jinwoo at the side looking both amused and disgusted. “Jinwoo also teaches dance and I’m sure you will probably in one of his classes.”

“Isn’t that like bias? Since I’m part of the pack?” Sanha wondered. From his experience, if you are related to any of your teachers, you’re often asked to switch sections. But Dongmin only shook his head and let out a ‘psh’. “Since we’re such a big pack and we basically sponsor the university, it doesn’t matter. Besides, Jin Jin-hyung doesn’t let anyone off the hook even if you are pack. If you don’t do as what the course asks you to, he _ will _ fail you. Even if you are his favourite.” Dongmin teases just as they arrive around the others. “Bin! I told you to stop doing this! Jin-hyung! Why didn’t you stop them?”

Sanha watched as Dongmin moved towards his mate and hit him upside the head. The younger laughed as the two eldest looked like children getting scolded, so different from their fierce personalities as alphas. He looked around and saw many other pack members laughing like this was normal, but he could still see their respect for their alphas weren’t lost. 

As Sanha looked around, exchanging smiles with everyone, he felt he could really start over now. With his new family.

* * *

  
  


It had been almost a month since Sanha settled in and it couldn’t be any better. Dongmin was right about one thing, he was in one of Jin Jin’s dance classes. The three also have lunch together if their schedule allowed, with MJ and Bin visiting when they have free time. It reminded him of how he used to be with his own brothers, and as much as it hurt to remember the past, he also felt happy because now he has new brothers as family again. 

Right then, they were all gathered at one of MJ’s favourite steak house for dinner. The eldest had picked them all up together with Bin after Sanha’s classes and since Jin Jin and Dongmin had also finished teaching, MJ had said he was craving some steak. 

“OH!” Bin exclaimed, with his mouth full of pasta. Sanha cringed in disgust. “Hyung!”

“Ya, chew first.” Jin Jin said as he shook his head, like he was used to this kind of behavious. Which, he probably was.

“What is it Binnie?” Dongmin asked, forking a steak into his mouth. MJ couldn’t care less and continued eating, eyes wandering over the table like he’s deciding which one to tackle next.

After chewing and swallowing the food in his mouth. “Rocky’s coming home!” Bin finally said, wiggling in his seat in excitement. Sanha realized why. “Tomorrow!”

MJ finally looked up from his food. “Oh my, my favourite dongsaeng is coming back?” He said happily. “Why didn’t he text me? I should call–”

“Hey!” Bin and Dongmin called out. “What about us?!”

Sanha left them all to argue just as Jinwoo shook his head and continued eating, though he could see a happy smile at the mention of Rocky finally home.

Rocky, the Epsilon wolf, the guardian of the pack. The four had mentioned him several times, and they talked to Sanha about him a lot, and even if Sanha hadn’t met him yet, he felt like he knows him already. Just like Jin Jin, Rocky danced and was often dubbed as the ‘dance king’ since he knows all kinds of genres. He also would be invited to teach Jin Jin’s class from time to time when he wasn’t busy. The others joked that if it weren’t for Rocky’s commitment and love of his role in the pack, he would be teaching dance full-time. Rocky was also the youngest of the group at twenty two years old, but since Sanha was there now – although he was technically older than everyone else, Sanha was now the maknae of the the six. He just hoped he would be able to get along with Rocky. He knew that the Epsilon was adverse towards Vampires and when he asked the four why, they wouldn’t meet his eyes and would say, it was Rocky’s story to tell but that he shouldn’t worry since the four can vouch for him. Sanha, to say the least, wasn’t comforted by that. He really just hopes, that the four were right.

  
  


***

Sanha felt tired leaving his last class for the day. He just wanted to skip dinner and go to sleep but he knew they were going to have a feast tonight for Rocky’s return. He was going to go home with Jin Jin and Dongmin today, but he told them that morning that he would be going home first because he wanted to take a nap before the festivities for tonight. When he got near his car, he noticed a black Jeep Wrangler beside it that he never saw before. He didn’t pay it much mind, but as he went to the driver’s side to get in, he felt eyes on him. He looked back up and felt a jolt as his eyes contacted with golden brown ones. Then he was sent to heaven.

When he asked about mates and how it felt the first time, he was never told of the overwhelming completion he felt. For the first time, he felt whole and new. For many years, he had went around, loneliness consuming him. When he agreed to join the Blue Flame pack, he thought it was when he would finally lose all that sadness and loneliness. But now, meeting his mate, it was the most happiness he ever felt for the longest time. It was like a piece was missing and now it was found and he now truly felt like he belonged. 

“Mate.” Sanha could feel his eyes turning red and he took a step closer but his heart shattered when his mate’s eyes turned cold and hatred consumed them.

“I’m not your mate. _Never_ _will_.” Then the man, got into the Wrangler and sped off, leaving Sanha staring at him, heartbroken.

Sanha slid down to the ground, feeling emptier than he ever was before. He thought losing his family was the worst thing that could ever happen to him. But the feeling of devastation and utter sadness was overwhelming. So he cried. He cried and cried, and didn’t even care he was in public. His heart was shattered and the pieces flying through the wind and never coming back. He didn’t know how long he stayed there but he didn’t even care. 

Only when a familiar voice called his name, “Sanha?” did he look up in despair before blacking out.

***

“Look, babe, I don’t know what happened, okay? We’re coming home soon.”

When Sanha came to, he was sat at the back of a familiar car. Jin Jin’s. He was confused at first as to why, but then the memories came rushing back, and the tears came crashing.

“It hurts!” He wailed, and it got Jin Jin’s attention, who was on the phone. The older pulled over and Sanha didn’t even notice when Jin Jin went to the backseat and cradled him. He just knew he needed comfort and grasped on to the person holding him. “It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.” He kept muttering over and over.

“Sanha, aga, please tell me what happened?” Jin Jin was distressed. The first time he saw Sanha, he saw a lonely kid who just wanted to belong. But now, his heart hurts seeing Sanha in so much agony. He didn’t know what to do.

“_ Make it stop! _ ” Sanha was pleading now. “ _ Make it stop, hyung please! _” 

All Jin Jin could do was hug him tight, and say, “I’m here.” He felt helpless.

***

Once Sanha was calmed down enough, Jin Jin drove the rest of the way back home in silence. He kept glancing up at Sanha who was quiet and looking blankly outside the window. Jinwoo wasn’t sure what happened, but he knew Sanha was in no state to celebrate tonight. 

When Jinwoo saw Sanha in the parking lot earlier, he went into full mama wolf mode, and his hackles rose seeing Sanha crying. When he approached Sanha, the boy was unseeing and and when he called his name, he took a step back at the despair and sadness so concentrated within them before he rushed to the youngest as the other passed out. He had immediately called his mate as he drove them home to prepare him for what’s about to come. MJ had panicked considerably and before he could say anything else, Sanha had woken up. If what Jin Jin saw in the parking lot was painful, what happened in the car was just heartbreaking. The alpha cursed when he saw MJ pacing outside the house with Bin and Dongmin, and Rocky, waiting with him. 

Sanha knew Jinwoo was just trying to help, but each question of what happened just sent him back to the rejection from his mate. When he saw the sadness of that lady’s eyes when she spoke of mates, he finally knew why. He finally knew how it felt. The pain of rejection couldn’t be compared to any other pain he had ever felt. What was more, they were over before they even started. He just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Maybe dying was less painful than this. 

As they pulled into the driveway, Jinwoo got out of the car, MJ meeting him halfway. 

“Sanah?” Myungjun’s face was full of concern and when Jinwoo gestured to the car, he didn’t hesitate to go to the backseat and open it. Myungjun held in his emotions, seeing Sanha looking lost and in pain.So he squared up his shoulders. “Aga? Hyung is here. Let’s get you to bed, hmm?” Sanha didn’t reply, nor did he acknowledge. MJ could feel the nervous energy coming from the Dongmin and Bin and curiosity from Rocky. The eldest grabbed a hold of Sanha and was thankful the other moved with him. But as soon as they got off the car, chaos ensued.

“_ What the fuck is he doing here? _!” Rocky’s voice boomed. MJ’s eyes glowed, his alpha coming through. 

“Watch your tone!” The alpha in him spoke. Beside him, Sanha whimpered and he saw the pain as he stared at Rocky. 

Sanha had only felt comfort when MJ had ushered him out of the car, the promise of his bed awaiting. But when he heard _ the _ voice, and the disgust in them, he had looked up to see his mate standing in between Dongmin and Bin. He wanted to curl up. He wanted to run away. He never wanted to see the hatred in his mate’s eyes for him. He didn’t want to speak in fear of angering the other more. But he couldn’t help the small plea coming from him, “ _ Mate. _”

Rocky’s eyes glowed and his hackles rose. “I AM NOT YOUR MATE!”

The declare had Sanha in tears, the stabbing words sent straight to the heart. 

“Myungjun, lead him to his room. Now.” Jinwoo growled out, as he stood protectively in front of the two. The elder didn’t argue and quickly ushered Sanha in the house and straight to his room.

Sanha’s body felt like lead. Once they were up in his room and he was lead to sit on his bed. He never wanted to leave. He wanted to hide and die. 

What did he ever do to deserve this? Was this his fate? His only wish, turning on him, the universe mocking him. 

“Sanha…” His hyung’s concerned tone washed over him, making him cry harder. Myungjun’s arms suddenly wrapped around him. “Oh, Sanha.” He grabbed on to the arms and just let everything out. He wailed, he sobbed. Until he doesn’t have anything left within him. He was already empty the first time, but that little hope bubbling inside of him being crushed at the second rejection was the last straw to Sanha’s sanity.

Sanha was completely and utterly broken.

* * *

  
  
  


Over the next few days, Sanha was locked up in his room. After MJ had left that night, he blocked off all entrances to his room. He barricaded it with some wolfsbane, he had left from the years before when a rogue wolf had been on the loose in the small village he lived in. No one could get in or out Sanha’s room. 

He had learned that his mate was Rocky. Just his luck, to have someone who wasn’t fond of vampires to be his mate. When they talked about Rocky, he didn’t know his hatred ran deep enough for him to reject his mate. But the joke was on Sanha, it was.

Living in the same house was painful. He knew the other was there. He could hear his voice drifting in his room, he could scent him. But he could never face him or touch him or be near him. He was wondering why he wasn’t kicked out of the pack yet, surely, they would take Rocky’s side. Although, there wasn’t any reason to pick sides. But he could hear, during his lucid state, the arguments between his hyungs and Rocky. The slam of the door in anger. 

Sanha felt like a burden. He also felt like dying.

The constant ache in his chest never left after that night. When he sleeps, he was in constant battle between dreams and nightmares. The dreams leaving him happy for just a millisecond, a dream where he and his mate were together. But the nightmares lasted longer, because he was living in it. 

He remembers the story of the lady, the bittersweet sadness lingering in her face. Then seeing her dead. ‘_ It will leave you with such a deep scar that would make you feel empty for eternity that you would wish to just die.’ _Now he knew. And she was right. He felt like dying was the only option left.

Sanha was curled in his window seat, though the curtains were drawn. The small light that came through from the window, reflected off what he held in his hands. He looked around the room, the place he called home for the past month or two. He felt sad and greatful. He would miss this. Miss _ them _. But the pain was unbearable. He had decided. 

It was time to say goodbye. 


	2. Phase 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he closed his eyes, feeling light and numb, all he could see were honey brown eyes. He smiled. 
> 
> _Goodbye. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> non proofread

Bears undergo hibernation; a state of inactivity and metabolic depression. Everything about the body’s functions were slowed down until the season of winter passes. Until then, they would be safe away in their dens, not needing to think about anything else but getting through the season.

Sanha had left.

After deciding, he decided he didn’t want the burden of himself be left at the hands of his hyungs. His new family. So just like in the past with his own, he left them for their sake. The thought of dying never left his mind, and if he was found dead by any of his hyungs, he would never forgive himself of the sadness and burden he would have given them. He wanted to leave them while he was able to, and for them to never find out about his death. He didn’t want them to blame themselves or be sad too long. Running away seemed like the best choice in Sanha’s insane mind.

Sanha never thought he would have to live through leaving behind his family all over again. Was he subjected to a life of being alone? The lady was right, being dead would be less painful than going through this kind of life. 

When Sanha left, he had sprayed some scent blocker to hide his scent and to keep the pack off his tracks. He didn’t even bring anything with him except for his few valued items, not even his car. He had sped through the compound with his vampiric speed and got a taxi to the airport. From there, he got on whatever flight that was available – he didn’t even look where he was going, and he couldn’t even remember how he got to the place where he was then. All he knew was that he was in a small province, where he bought a cabin in the middle of the woods where no one would know he was there. As long as he was far away, it didn’t matter. 

For days, he had sat and done nothing. He thought being away would hurt less, but it only amplified the pain and the loneliness inside his broken heart. The pain seeping through the cracks and enveloping his body. Add to that the thirst of blood and his mind slipping through delirius states; Sanha was just a mess. 

His eyes were brown and honey-like. The amount of love could overflow and wrapped around him with warmth. For that one split-second, Sanha had felt what it felt like to have a mate. To have someone cherish you and love you with absolutely no regard. When they said, it didn’t matter if you had only just met your soulmate, they were your soulmate for a reason and everything else will just fall into place. But that utter happiness was ripped away from him not a moment after, and Sanha realized he would never _ ever _ feel those loving gaze again. 

Sanha wondered how long did that lady hold on until she couldn’t take it anymore? Until she couldn’t bear the pain and instead took away her own life? Would he hold on longer? Or would he succumb to a fate like hers?

***

It was already winter. In Sanha’s lucid state of mind, he would acknowledge this as a month since he left Seoul; since he left his mate and family. He wondered how they were doing? Were they missing him? Were they looking for him? Was he regretting his decision? But Sanha always shook the thoughts away. He wasn’t important. He was only with them for a short amount of time. He was replaceable. He was forgettable. 

A vampire could last without blood for a week maximum. Sanha lasted three weeks before he woke up in the middle of the forest surrounded by animal blood. He didn’t know it, but in his demented mind, his bloodthirst was too much and he had fed. Together with not having eaten properly since he was _ rejected _, his body had worked without him knowing. Now, he sat in a dusty old cabin, staring out into the wintery forest wondering if he really wanted to live his life this way.

_ “He’s not too fond of vampires.” _

_ “Don’t worry, we’ll vouch for you.” _

_ “Rocky would probably just give you a nod or something, but he’ll be civil.” _

Sanha scoffed, leaning his head against his arms as he curled up on the tiny chair. He knew it wasn’t the hyungs’ faults for not telling him _ why _ Rocky hated vampires. He also knew that it wasn’t their fault that he had just the luck of having that one person who hated vampires the most to be his mate. But still, why did fate have to be cruel to him? Was taking his family away not enough and so they gave him a mate who didn’t want him?

It was funny how the snow outside painted a bright and happy scenery; a stark contrast of what Sanha was going through. The image was planted in Sanha’s mind. As much as he tried to, he was tired. 

Humans would think, certainly mates aren’t one all and be all for everything. But for Sanha, and every supernatural creature, they were made in existence for the sole purpose of their mate. That’s why they go to extreme lengths to find their mates and to cherish them for who they are. What are they if not for their mates? They would be nothing. Hence why rejections are such a huge thing. No one should ever reject their mates. It is like ripping the half of you and throwing them away. Mates complete you. Without them, you are less than what you are. You can never be truly yourself. You are only you, with your mate by your side. 

Sanha stood up, swaying lightly on his feet. His mind was reeling, and he probably wasn’t thinking straight. With less blood in his system, he was just as any other human being and so when he walked towards the door and opened it, a blast of cold, frigid winds slapped him across the face. He didn’t pay it any attention and he trudged barefoot into the snow. He walked towards the middle and stood with his arms out, just as it started to snow. 

Sanha lifted his face up, the snowflakes hitting his skin.

For the first time in a month, he felt at peace. He knew what was coming. A tear fell. Followed by another. He was going to be free. 

He laid down in the snow and stared out at the falling sky. His body started to shiver, and soon enough, he would die out from the cold. Funny enough, a vampire dying from the cold was ironic. But because his intake of blood wasn’t enough, that’s his fate if he stayed out overnight. He knew no one was going to be there. No one for miles lived near. He was thankful. No one needed to see him. 

As he closed his eyes, feeling light and numb, all he could see were honey brown eyes. He smiled. 

_ Goodbye _.

* * *

There were birds chirping. It was annoying. Sanha frowned, his overly sensitive ears being attacked by high-pitched sounds. But wait, wasn’t he dead?

“It’s been two weeks. When is he going to wake up?”

“Look baby, the doctor said it will be soon, okay?”

Sanha’s brows knit together. Why were there people? He moved his fingers lightly, feeling them respond to his command before trying to open his eyes. The first thing he saw were familiar white ceilings. His heart skipped a beat. He groaned as he tried to lift his head.

“Sanha!” The exclamation made him look to the side just as familiar faces clouded his vision.

“Hyung?” He rasped before gasping as he was grabbed into a tight hold by MJ.

“Sanha you worried us to death!” MJ sobbed out, tightening his hold. Sanha’s eyes moved over to Jinwoo who held his hand in his, eyes tearing up. “How could you run away?” MJ pulled away and wiped at his face. 

“D-do you have any idea what it felt like finding you, half dead?” Jinwoo said with sadness clear in his face. 

Sanha felt guilty, and confused. Why was he back? MJ must have seen his expression because he calm down a little before explaining. Sanha could make out two figures dozing off in his window seat, Dongmin and Bin.

“After you left, we looked for you everywhere. But you were smart in hiding your tracks. You somehow evaded us by blocking your scent, and using cash so there were no traces of you.” MJ sniffed. “Luckily, our allies helped us look everywhere for you. A month later, one of them were scouting the area where you stayed nearby and had mentioned a lone vampire. We weren’t sure if it was you, but we had to try. But…” MJ turned away.

“But when we arrived,” Jinwoo continued, “Imagine our horror to see you looking as pale as a sheet almost buried in snow! We tried waking you but you wouldn’t respond, so we immediately took you to our allied pack. From there their pack, doctors did everything to stabilize you and had to transfuse blood because as a vampire you weren’t feeding enough and your body was shutting down. When you were stable enough, we flew you back home. Dongmin and Bin were waiting and wouldn’t leave you ever since. It’s been two weeks and since then you were in a coma.”

Sanha felt tears in his eyes as he gazed up at them. “You looked for me?”

MJ felt like he was slapped. “Of course we did! You’re our brother! We love you Sanha.”

Sanha felt shame and he looked away. “I’m sorry.

“Look, what matters is that your home now.” Jinwoo grabbed his hand. “We’re also sorry. If we were just–”

Sanha looked back and shook his head. “Hyung, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry for running away.” He sniffed. “It just...It just hurt to be near _ him _ and I wasn’t thinking straight. I just wanted it all to end.” He wasn’t sure where Rocky was, wasn’t sure if he wanted to know either.

“He’s an idiot.” Sanha’s head whipped to the side where Bin was now awake, Dongmin too. “We have already told him a lot of times.”

“Sanha…” Dongmin started, coming towards the bed. “I don’t know the pain of rejection, I’m thankful I didn’t go through it, but looking at you...I know it isn’t easy, and I know it seems selfish of us, but please don’t run away from us again? I know it’s painful being in the same vicinity as _ him _, but we’ll do anything we can for you. Just please, hold on.”

The hyungs knew what they were asking, as selfish as that sounds. They weren’t just talking about running away. Sanha knew it too. He couldn’t fault them though. If someone he knew, someone he was close with would have gone through something like this, he wouldn’t want them to take their own life either. So he just nodded. The four let our relieve smiles. But as much as Sanha missed them, he wanted to be alone. He felt suffocated, and although they were all far from finished on talking about this. He didn’t want to deal with this now.

“Can I be alone?” Dongmin and Bin looked about to protest, but MJ and Jinwoo saw Sanha’s plea. “I promise I’ll be here tomorrow.”

“Alright, we’ll see you in the morning.” Jinwoo said, leaning down and placing a kiss on his forehead. “I missed you. Welcome home.”

MJ followed suit before he was dragged away by Jinwoo. Bin and Dongmin were reluctant, but after giving him a hug, they too left him alone.

Sanha sighed as soon as the door closed. He looked around his room. It was just as he left it. He felt his heart throb against his chest, and he rubbed at it. He wanted to leave already. But then, a knock came and his door opened again; someone he hasn’t seen before, someone older and someone smiling at him gently.

“Hello, Sanha. I’m the pack doctor, Noh Taeyoon.” He offered a hand, which Sanha took slowly, body still weak from lack of use. The doctor smiled again. “I see you’re moving and awake. That’s good. I’m just here to take the IV’s out. You’ll have to drink blood normally starting tomorrow.” Sanha nodded, watching as the doctor moved around him and gathering things to take out his IV, which he just noticed. “I’d also like to talk to you about your condition.” The atmosphere turned solemn, and Sanha knew whatever it is, it wouldn’t be any good.

After Taeyoon finished, he stood by Sanha’s bedside, smile all gone and more serious. “Sanha...I know you’re under recovery from neglect due to rejection.” The young man looked away from the doctor. He knows, why did he have to say it again? “I’m bringing this back up because it’s important for you to know what will happen from here. I did not tell the alphas because you were not awake yet and it’s only fair if you’re the one to decide who wants to know.” Sanha gripped his sheets and nodded, still not looking to the doctor. He wasn’t sure he was ready to hear what he was about to say.

“What is it?”

“You’re dying.” Sanha froze. It was different when he said it himself that he _ felt _ like dying, but it’s a whole other thing to have a confirmation that one is indeed _ dying _. “Rejection between mates has always lead to the rejectee dying. Although the one who rejected would die, eventually; they have more will power since they were the ones to do such a thing – they could live for years before their soul realizes. But for the rejectee…” the doctor paused, as if trying to find the will to say the next words. “The rejectee wouldn’t be able to cope. There has been no record of anyone living beyond a month after being rejected, since most of the time they take away their own life. Sanha, you’re a rare case. The only way for one to avoid death is bonding and getting your soulmark. Look, I can’t determine when you would die, but all I could do is advise you to keep living. Maybe you’ll be the first to live long.” The doctor was trying humor, and Sanha gave out a dry chuckle before he finally looked up.

“Thank you for telling me this. Let this conversation stay between us, Doctor.” The implication was there, the doctor was bound professionally to never say anything unless the patient agrees, so the old man nodded. Sanha smiled sadly. “I have no intentions to live long.”

“But Sanha–”

“Thank you, you may leave.”

The doctor heard the dismissal and left. When he did, Sanha slumped back into the bed. He wasn’t running away, he couldn’t. But he’s dying, so what’s the difference? He was already prepared to die, but why did it feel more real now?

Sanha didn’t know how many more days he has to live. _ Just please, hold on. _He wasn’t sure he wanted to.

***

The next day came and as soon as he woke up, Sanha had guests. His hyungs never left his side. They were beside him all day, playing, talking, feeding him; but they never acknowledged the big elephant in the room. He knew his hyung were playing ignorant – they did say ignorance was bliss, right? When dinner came around, that’s when Sanha kicked them out, with many protests the hyungs had to follow as he did so. 

“Hyungs, get out. You’ve been with me the whole day. Please. I’m sick of you all.” Sanha joked as MJ and Bin got up from his bed, pouting and looking offended. Sanha sighed. “Okay, please I just need time alone? You’ll see me bright and early tomorrow. Please?” Sanha looked to Jinwoo, who everyone follows like the leader he was, the older huffed but nodded.

“C’mon, let’s leave him be. We can come back tomorrow baby.” Jinwoo pulled a whining MJ out of bed.

“Goodnight Sanha. See you tomorrow.” Dongmin offered him a hug, before grabbing an unwilling Bin out as well. 

Sanha sighed in relief as soon as they left. As much as he loved his hyungs, and he knew they were only distracting him, he just wanted to be left alone. He hadn’t told them of what the doctor said to him the night before, that he was dying. He didn’t think it will matter. He knew they would just try and do whatever to keep him alive. But Sanha wasn’t even sure he wanted that. Would living on mean pretending to be happy while you are just miserable inside having to see your mate who rejected you? 

The door creaked open and he pasted on a fake smile as he teased. “Hyung didn’t I say–” he cut himself off when he looked to the side and saw it wasn’t one of the hyungs. 

Honey brown eyes.

It was Rocky.

***

Sanha fidgeted in bed, tracing the thread count of his bedsheets for what felt like the hundredth time since his mate came in his room. _ Rocky _. He wasn’t even sure when he would be seeing his mate after he came back. He was honestly content on not seeing him, but now, being in the same vicinity, having him stare at you, it was doing things to Sanha. He felt like going insane for wanting to be held by his mate and wanting to go far away from the person who rejected his whole being.

“When I was born, I never had a father. Never even knew him. When I was old enough, I was told that I was half vampire and half wolf.” Sanha gasped and he looked up, meeting the eyes of his other half. Rocky didn’t falter. “That was when I found out I was conceived by rape. A rogue vampire had raped my mother and left her pregnant with me. I grew up loved and cherished by her, not knowing I was a big cause of pain to her. She held out until I was sixteen before dying; the cause still unknown to this day. That’s why...” Rocky’s eyes held so much hatred, Sanha wanted to whimper and cry but he was rendered silent. “That’s why I promised myself to inflict the same pain to any vampire that came my way. Destroy them before they could hurt us.”

Sanha flinched. He felt his skin tingle with awareness and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to run or hide. “I hated myself for being half of what I despise, hence why I take depressants. Never wanting to associate myself with your kind. But the fates played with me.” Rocky scoffed. “That day I finally found my mate, amber eyes, strawberry scent. Before I saw the horror of my mate being a vampire. I despised you.” Sanha couldn’t take it anymore, he looked down as he tried to hold in tears. He knew but hearing it…

“Then I find out the closest family I had, you have also taken. It fuelled my anger more. They knew I hated your kind, but they still took you in. Took your side.” Sanha could hear the amount of hatred in the words. “But then...I thought I hated you. Then you disappeared. They were all in a panic while I just stood in this very room, frozen; not knowing how to feel. They were angry at me, saying it was my fault. In the back of my mind, I knew it was. But I had so much anger, I decided to ignore it. For a month that they looked for you, I couldn’t sit still. I always wondered where you were. I keep telling myself I hated you, but some part of me wouldn’t let you go.” 

Sanha felt the tears leaking out from his eyes and he bowed his head more to hide it. “When I heard they found you, I wasn’t sure how to feel. I was happy, angry, sad, confused. But then I became scared when they brought you in looking so lifeless, and…” There was shuffling but Sanha didn’t dare look up. “I felt so guilty, this was what happened for what I did to you.”

Rocky stopped talking and it was silent for a long while. Sanha was trying hard not to cry out loud, closing his eyes tightly. He wasn’t even sure if he was crying from pain or sadness for his mate.

“I’m sorry. Truly.” Sanha’s eyes opened in shock. “I regret what I did.” Sanha’s heart bloomed with hope. “I...I’m not saying I love you.” His heart was crushed again. “But..”

Sanha gasped when sparks flew as Rocky, not knowing when he came so close, took his chin in his hand and tilted his face up. Rocky wiped at his face, free him of tears. The once stoic man, smiling at him, oh so gently. 

“I’ll try.”

  
  


* * *

When Rocky told him he would try, Sanha expected too much. He thought the other was going to get to know him, take him out on dates, and so that Sanha could prove he wasn’t like any other vampires. But Rocky’s definition of _ trying _ was too farfetched from Sanha’s own. 

Rocky never gave him the time of day. Only ever giving him small smiles when they see each other, and the occasional greeting of ‘Hello Sanha’. But that was it.

Sanha knew it was already enough that Rocky was acknowledging him, but he thought there would be more. But then his thoughts took a turn, and he wondered if Rocky really wanted to try or he just felt guilty about Sanha’s condition? Did he only say that so he wouldn’t feel responsible if Sanha died?

“Hey, I was talking to you.” Bin poked his cheek, which Sanha batted away to take another bite of ice cream. They were in town at one of those quaint ice cream parlour. Bin had came in Sanha’s room and dragged Sanha out saying he needed to get out of his nest to eat some ‘yummy goodness’, even though it was very cold out. “How’s the ice cream?”

Sanha looked down at his strawberry ice cream, his favourite. _ Strawberry scent _. He shook his head to clear away those thoughts. “It’s good.” 

Bin frowned at him as he peeked. “Then why haven’t you finished it? You usually scarf it down.”

“Eh, I have no appetite.” Sanha shrugged, stirring his spoon in his ice cream to make it into a pseudo smoothie.

Bin sighed and putting down his cup and spoon. “Is it Rocky?”

“When is it never?” He knew he was being sarcastic, but honestly, it was tiring. He just wanted everything to end.

“I’m sorry he’s a dick. Did he do anything today?”

Sanha shook his head.

“Want me to talk some sense into him?”

Sanha shook his head again. “It’s okay hyung. It won’t be long. Let’s go home?” He didn’t wait for a reply, before standing up and disposing his ice cream and leaving the parlour.

“Won’t be long? For what? Hey, Sanha!” Bin called out before rushing after him.

***

Sanha was cooped up in his room, as usual. Since coming back home, he hasn’t come out unless one of the hyungs drag him. He was sat in his window seat staring out into the forest. It was white and bright, but Sanha felt the opposite. Rocky never came back into his room after that night. The only times Sanha would see him is when the hyungs take him out of his room to eat or go out. At this rate, there was no chance for him. Atleast, he has accepted his fate already. All he had to do was wait.

To be honest with himself, Sanha itched to run away again. Just to be alone. As much as he loved his hyungs, it would only hurt more once he died. There isn’t any hope for his mate and himself, when Rocky doesn’t even try. Doctor Taeyoon came back again to check up on him and had sadly stated he didn’t have long unless Rocky bonded with him. 

_ “Since you’ve been in contact more, your body is affected by the proximity and therefore expects the bonding even more. If you won’t be marked…” Sanha had only nodded before asking the doctor to leave _.

Honestly, why did he even drag this on? He could just go and end it once and for all and it will all be over.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sanha’s head whipped towards his door to see a tearful Jinwoo. He frowned in concern.

“Hyung, what–”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were dying?” Sanha froze, staring up at his hyung. “Sanha…”

Sanha sighed before patting the seat next to him, his hyung shuffling sadly before cuddling close. At this point, Sanha felt big compared to his hyung, and to think about leaving him and the rest…”I’m sorry. You were never to find out.”

“But why?”

Sanha leaned his head on top of Jinwoo’s. “I guess, I just wanted to spend the remaining of what I have normally. If you all knew, you’d only try to get involved.”

“Aga…”

“Is it just you who knows?” When Sanha felt Jinwoo nod. “Good. Keep it that way please. How did you know by the way?”

Jinwoo moved to become more comfortable, arms coming to wrap around Sanha. “I was passing by when Taeyoon was talking to you and the door was left open. The rest were out so they weren’t with me but I had to get something I left behind.”

Sanha hummed. “Well, that’s unfortunate, I’ll make sure to close my door at all times–”

Jinwoo moved off and stared up at him angrily. “Why are you so calm?! Why are you just accepting this? Rocky doesn’t know either huh? Why haven’t you told him? You could live–”

“Hyung, stop!” Sanha shook his head. “I’ve accepted my fate ever since Rocky rejected me the second time. He doesn’t know and I don’t plan to tell him.” Jinwoo looked about to protest but Sanha held up a hand. “Hyung… I know it’s difficult but you just have to accept my choice. I’m okay to die. I don’t want to tell Rocky because then he’ll only be forced to give me a bond just to keep me alive. I’ll know it will be in guilt, so how could I live on that way?” 

“But Sanha, mating doesn’t work like–”

Sanha shook his head again. “Look, hyung, no matter what you’re going to say, it won’t change my mind. Just…” He offered his arm to hug his hyung to which Jinwoo accepted. “Let’s just enjoy my last moments together okay?”

Jinwoo felt choked with tears so he only nodded. 

“I’ll miss you hyung.” Sanha whispered as he tightened his hold. Jinwoo thought the same but words couldn't pass through his throat so the alpha only curled against Sanha as he withheld the tears he wanted to shed.

A few minutes later, they were interrupted by MJ and Dongmin who whined in jealousy at their cuddlefest, before Sanha was pulled away for their own turn. 

If only time stood still. Sanha wished he could live within these moments forever.

***

A few days later, Sanha was taking his daily blood feeding when all of a sudden, bile rose from his throat. He went to the toilet and vomited all the blood he just fed of.

_ “Once bonded, you’ll only ever feed from your mate. But since your body is already affected without the bond, it needs your mate’s blood now. So slowly, your body will reject any blood, and without it, you will deteriorate.” _

Sanha stared at the bloodied mess. A sign of what was to come. 

It has started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOF! This was the saddest thing to write, I had to pause and not cry because I got so into Sanha's character while writing. See you in the last phase!


	3. Phase 3: The Last Phase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was unfair. Just when he thought he finally had a chance, why must it be taken away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still unedite and nonproofread xD

Sanha giggled, feeling ticklish as the little kisses up his neck continued. “No, stop it!”

An answering chuckle by his ear. “Do you really want me to?” Sanha turned in the other’s hold.

Honey brown eyes.

“No.” Sanha shook his head, looping his arms around Rocky’s neck. “Never.”

The kisses continued, making Sanha moan at the tingling sensation. The sparks that came alight whenever they touched. He never knew it would be like this. Rocky travelled his way down Sanha’s chest, enveloping a little bud in his hot cavern, making Sanha gasp and arch into the feeling. He wanted more. The mark on his neck throbbed.

“Last night wasn’t enough?” Rocky’s teasing voice cut through just as the other’s hand snaked down his spin towards his entrance. All Sanha could do was shudder at the feeling. “Hmm? Why don’t you drink from me?”

Before Sanha could reply, Rocky pushed his head to bite on the same place his mark was on the other. An instant aphrodisiac. Sanha’s back bowed over and he gasped as he came.

* * *

  
  


Sanha woke up gasping for air. _ Another dream _.

A few days after finding out he couldn’t stomach any more blood. His mind had betrayed him too. The close proximity not only fuelled his body but his mind as well to mate. He’s been having erotic dreams, as strange as that sounds. It was always the same. Always about Rocky. Always about bonding. Always about his mate’s blood.

He had embarrassingly sought out Doctor Taeyoon about what had happened. Although he blushed and stuttered his way through, the doctor managed to explain to him what was going on. His dreams were a facade, a way his mind and body of telling him what he should be doing. Although it wasn’t his fault for being rejected, his whole being betrayed him and is punishing him for it. The doctor has explained that he only read about it in medical textbooks, but never heard of it before. So with not much else other than the vague explanation, Sanha retreated back into his room.

Now, every time he sees Rocky, he gets embarrassed. Together with longing and pain. Isn’t it bad enough that he was dying? Why did he have to go through such torture?

  
  


“Sanha! Wakey wakey!” MJ called out barging in to his room. Sanha groaned. Not today, please. “Hey, wake up. We’re going out to shop.”

Sanha took off his blanket from his face and glared. “Hyung, I’m in misery, let me be.” A bried flash of pain crossed MJ’s features before he frowned. 

“Look, Sanha. Just today, please? Hyung just needs you to come with him to shop.” MJ pouted obscenely. Sanha rolled his eyes, unable to help the smile growing on his face. 

“Fine. I’ll meet you downstairs.” MJ let out a whoop before exiting.

Sanha shook his head, wondering how this was the feared alpha in the entire globe? He slowly went out of his bed, feeling dizzy. He hadn’t told anyone about his feeding problem. He just hopes his energy will stand him for the rest of the day.

***

“Sweet, why must I do it today? I’ll do it tomorrow when I’m alone. Wait. Wait. Jinwoo? Hello?”

Sanha looked up from his phone as he stood in between the racks in a store he couldn’t remember the name of. MJ had received a call a minute earlier from Jinwoo, and as much as he tried not to eavesdrop, it’s not like MJ moved far away from him either.

“Hyung? What’s up?” 

MJ looked up at him and smiled tightly. “Ah, nothing.”

Sanha deadpanned. “Hyung, I heard everything. What is it? Tell me or I’m leaving.”

MJ’s lips thinned before sighing. “It’s Rocky’s birthday present. Jinwoo asked me to buy.” Sanha froze, how could he forget? Others had let it slip a few times. MJ quickly shook his hand in dismissal seeing Sanha’s expression. “Hey, I’ll get it another–”

“No.” Sanha shook his head. “We’re already here, might as well get it right?” He smiled, even though it hurt. He turned back around. “C’mon hyung, what does he like? We don’t have time left.” He felt MJ’s stare at his back, but he pushed through. “Hyung! Let’s go.

***

When they came home, Sanha excused himself to his room. As soon as he got in and locked the door, he bowled over in exhaustion. He was getting weaker. Without any feeding, he knew he wouldn’t last much longer. He shuffled his way to his cooler where he kept all his blood bags. He knew even though he drank, he would just vomit everything back up but he still forced himself to. Tricking himself that it would work. It never does. 

He slumped against the bathroom wall after letting it all out. His eyes started to sting, he wanted to cry. Why can’t it all be over right then? What the hell was his body waiting for? His end was inevitable.

“Sanha?” his head whipped up in alarm, it was Rocky.

He cleared his throat and moved as fast as his body could cleaning up the mess in the bathroom. “Sanha?”

“Yes! Hold on!” He rasped, before getting out the open bathroom door and closing it. He shuffled towards his door, breathing in slowly, hoping he didn’t look like mess before opening it.

“Hi.” SAnha felt small even though he towered over Rocky.

Rocky gave him a smile and cleared his throat. “Can I come in?”

Sanha nodded and he stepped back, letting Rocky in before closing the door. He walked over to his bed and sat down, waiting for Rocky to start talking.

“Uh…” Rocky looked awkward, so unlike the warrior that Sanha saw him to be. “It’s just…”

Sanha tilted his head. “What is it?”

Rocky huffed and sat down beside Sanha, though not close enough for them to touch. “I’m just going to say it.”

Sanha waited but it was just silent. He didn’t dare to speak either. Finally, after a few minutes, Rocky spoke again.

“I said I’ll try, but I never actually did, huh? Wait, don’t answer that. I know I haven’t. It’s unfair of me to say that and I was basically stringing you along. I’ve had a long talk with Jin Jin-hyung–” Sanha froze, did his hyung tell him? “–and I finally realize, all vampires are different. _ You _are different. Sanha, I’ve been punishing you for something you haven’t even done. For something you have no fault whatsoever. This time…” Rocky grabbed Sanha’s hands. “This time, I’m serious. I will try harder. I’m going to win you over.” Sanha blinked, his gaze looking from their entwined hands to Rocky’s eyes. He felt his heart squeeze, this time not in pain…. “Will you accept me as your mate? Even after all the things i’ve done? Will you let me love you like you deserve?”

...but in happiness.

Sanha’s mouth gaped open, Rocky’s sincere words engulfing him. He didn’t know what to say. He never even thought this moment would come. He always just knew he was going to die. But this. It was a new beginning to an already ending book. So the only thing he could dare say, in a mere whisper was, “Yes.”

Rocky’s eyes glinted as he grinned before pulling Sanha to him and embracing him. Sanha melted into the hold, having only dreamed of this moment. He never thought he would ever have this. 

“I love you.”

He did, he really did.

* * *

Over the course of the week, Sanha was living his dream. He got to know Rocky like he should have done a long time ago. They got to know each other like they should have done the first time. He found that as much as Rocky was stoic and rarely join in conversations, the other was awkward and makes the dumbest jokes. He knew the other loved to dance, but seeing him in action, Sanha was thankful he got to see just how passionate the other was. Similarly, Rocky got to find out how much of a dork Sanha was with his books and video games, something the older never knew could be compatible with each other. Rocky also found it endearing how savage his mate really was when it came to teasing; he finally had an ally against the hyungs. They also shared their past together, more than what they shared with anyone else. Before Sanha knew it, he was falling deeper for his mate. But he also knew, his time was ticking.

They were now outside, trudging through the forest heading into _ ‘the best place in this entire compound’ _ as Rocky would describe. Sanha was getting tired, body not at its hundred percent. He still hadn’t told Rocky about his condition, and what it would take to save him. They were taking their time to get to know each other before diving in headfirst into bonding. Sanha was also scared to bring it up, a part of him still hesitant about their new found development with each other. What if Rocky rejects him again? He couldn’t bear the thought, so kept mum about the subject of dying and mating, and instead, enjoyed the time he had with his mate; however long it may be. Although he was weak lately, he feels his body thrumming with strength ever since they had re-acknowldged their mating; even if he was worried, he was sure he had more time before he _ had _ to tell Rocky. Or maybe, by then, he wouldn’t have to and he would already be bonded. 

“Ah, here we are.” Sanha gasped as they arrived. A small clearing by a pond. It was surrounded by beautiful flowers and some tall grass. It was a picture perfect scenery. He followed as Rocky set up their picnic blanket and some pillows, before placing the picnic basket filled with their dinner on top. “C’mon.”

Sanha smiled in thanks as Rocky guided him to sit, preparing their food as Sanha continued to gaze their surroundings. It was peaceful here and he wouldn’t mind coming back here again. “Hmm, you were right.” He said, as Rocky sat down beside him after he finished setting everything down. 

“Oh, what’s that?” Rocky handed him a bowl of jjajangmyeon. Sanha smiled in thanks. 

“This _ is _ the best place in the compound.” Sanha giggled as his mate smirked, leaning in and giving him a peck on the cheek.

“Didn’t I tell you?” Rocky chuckled, before helping himself to his kimchijjigae. 

“Also, thank you for taking me out. And for cooking. It’s delicious.” Sanha smiled shyly, looking down. He still wasn’t used to an affectionate and caring Rocky, but he wasn’t complaining. A finger lifted his chin, Rocky leaning in and placing the sweetest kiss on his lips. He wasn’t used to _ that _ either. “You’re welcome.”

And so, they enjoyed their dinner together and they talked just about everything, despite the chilly weather. Though being creatures of the night, it doesn’t affect them as much, but because Sanha was still weak, he definitely felt the cold more. Rocky probably noticed because he frowned before stating they’ve been there long enough and it was time to go home. Sanha was thankful.

“By the way,” Rocky said as they walked back towards the pack house. He held Sanha’s hand in his tightly as he held their things in his other hand. “I have to leave tomorrow.”

Sanha blinked and stopped walking. “What?” He felt fear gnawing at him.

Rocky must have seen his panicked expression because he dropped their stuff before grasping Sanha’s face and pulling him down at eye level. “Hey. Hey. Baby. Calm down. It’s not what you think. It’s only for three days. And I’ll be right back by your side, okay?”

“Oh.” Sanha’s heart slowed, before nodding slowly. “Does that mean you’ll miss your own birthday?”

Rocky looked at him steadily, making sure he wasn’t anymore upset before pecking his forehead sweetly. Before he dropped his hands from Sanha’s face, and grabbed their things. He grasped Sanha’s hand in his own before they walked again. “Unfortunately. There’s been trouble in one of our allied packs and they need me to for strategy training. It was supposed to be a week, but I told them I can’t leave my mate alone.” 

Sanha’s heart soared at the revelation. But he was also sad. Even though they were basically attached at the hips for the past few days, there’s still a fear of having his mate too far from him and leaving him. He knew it was irrational, and maybe a little selfish, but he wanted his mate to stay. 

“I’ll miss you.” Sanha whispers, leaning his entire weight on Rocky. 

“Me too, baby. But it will be short, and it’ll be done in no time.”

Sanha hoped he was right.

* * *

“Excuse me?” Sanha’s voice was merely a whisper. After yesterday’s picnic dinner date and Rocky telling him he was leaving the next day, his mate had stayed with him in his room. A first for them both. They were just up talking until it lead to a short makeout session, expressing how they would miss each other. Sanha had then woken up to an empty bed and a note saying Rocky left and didn’t bother to wake him because he was too cute. His mate’s words, not his. After trying to get over his embarrassment about the memories of their makeout session, Doctor Taeyoon had knocked on his door with a solemn look.

Now, he was facing the older man, feeling weak in the knees. He was glad he was sitting in bed. 

“Can you please repeat what you just said? I-I don’t u-understand.”

The pack doctor’s lips thinned. “I have done some research and testing. Sanha you don’t have much time left. Especially with Rocky’s birthday coming up, if he won’t mark and bond with you on the night of his birthday…”

“...I’ll be dead.” Sanha finishes. He knew the time was just ticking down, but he didn’t realize just how fast time was. He shook his head. “But I’ve felt better recently!”

The older man shook his head sadly. “Just like other illnesses, it gets better before it worsens. Your body recognizes that your mate has accepted you, but without the binding mark to officially claim you as his mate. Your soul sees this as another wave of rejection, and this time there’s no turning back.”

If Taeyoon was right, by the time Rocky comes back home from his trip, Sanha would be gone. 

Why was fate so cruel?

* * *

“Hmm, of course. I’ll see you then.” Sanha choked out, breath almost gone from trying to hold in sobs. 

“Baby, are you sure you’re fine?” Rocky’s voice cut through in concern through the speakers of his phone.

“Mhmm. Just...tired.” Sanha rasped before letting out a fake giggle. “I did too much today.”

“Alright, just make sure to rest well, understand?” Rocky’s tone was firm yet gently.

“Mhmm.”

“Okay, I’ll get going, see you in two days.”

“Bye.” 

Just before he ended the call, “Sanha?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.” Then the phone call dropped. So did Sanha’s tears.

It was unfair. Just when he thought he finally had a chance, why must it be taken away? Was it his fault for not saying anything to anyone? For not telling Rocky earlier?

Tomorrow was Rocky’s birthday. Tomorrow was evidently Sanha’s last.

He was in his room, stood by his window seat when he got the call from his mate. He was still fine until towards the end when he coulnd’t help himself any longer and his emotions brimmed to the surface. The sweet voice, the loving caress of his words. Sanha would miss it all.

Sanha turned to go towards his bed, but as he did so, his knees gave out and he fell with a harsh thud. His vision started clouding, and he felt like his breath was taken away from him. “H-he-l-l-p.”

He felt like panicking but he couldn’t do anything but fall the rest of the way on the floors of his bedroom. His sight was blackening and pain sprouted along his back towards his skull making him scream. Until….

Silence.

* * *

Rocky stared at the shiny marble. The light making it glisten in the sun. The gravestone looked immaculate and pristine, just as it should. 

It felt unreal. He still couldn’t fathom what he lost. His heart ached. 

He looked up to see the hundreds of gravestones alike, before leaving the cemetery. Heart heavy and hurting.

Rocky’s phone rang and as soon as he saw the message, his eyes widened before he sprinted as fast as he could, the unfamiliar names of those dead by the hands of rogues left behind. They weren’t as important at the moment.

***

“Where–” He barged in the pack house just as he was greeted by a tearful Jinwoo. MJ, Bin and Dongmin were pacing in the foyer before jumping at Rocky’s sudden appearance.

“Room. Now.” Bin bit out and Rocky wasted no time before taking the steps two at a time, reaching the room in seconds. 

As soon as he opened the door, Taeyoon greeted him with a solemn look.

“Epsilon.” The respectful bow was ignored as Rocky pushed past him and towards the bed, where his mate lay, deathly and unlike how he left him two days prior.

“W-what–”

“His body and soul are taking the rejection as they saw fit.”

Rocky’s head snapped back towards the doctor in bewilderment. “What? How? I’ve accepted Sanha!”

“Did he not tell you?” The pack doctor frowned, and when Rocky only looked even more confused, he continued. “Yes, you’ve accepted him. But you haven’t marked him and sealed your bond. You have rejected him twice and even though you have accepted him in words, a soul mark was needed. His soul did not receive it and therefore took it as another rejection. I’ve told him already he had until your birthday or else he dies.”

Rocky’s widened eyes turned back to his mate. His eyes suddenly tearful and full of regret. “Sanha, why didn’t you tell me…”

“If you were never planning to–”

“Of course I have! I was waiting for him to be ready!” Rocky snapped at the doctor. “But of course, instead of telling him, I decided to stay as silent as him about the matter.” He shook his head. “Never mind that, tell me what to do.”

“Mark him.” Taeyoon told him. “For now, a bite will suffice, but as soon as he is awake, you must complete the soulbonding ritual.”

Rocky nodded before dismissing the doctor. When he left, Rocky turned back to his beautiful mate. He scanned his mate’s pale face, and chapped lips. But he still thought of him as the most gorgeous thing he laid his eyes upon. _ I’m so stupid. Forgive me Sanha. _ He trailed his fingers down Sanha’s cheek and down towards his neck, to the spot where his mark would lay. This was not how he wanted their bonding to be, but they have no choice. “I’m sorry.” He leaned down scenting Sanha’s neck, feeling his heart ache at the amount of sufferring he caused his beloved. “I love you.”

It wasn’t enough but he will make sure he would work hard to deserve Sanha after everything. With that thought in mind, he opened his mouth and bit down.

***

Sanha groaned opening his eyes. _ What happened? _ The last thing he remembered was excruciating pain before everything went black. He squinted and felt like deja vu. It was like when he came back home from running away again. When he moved his head, he jumped seeing a pair of eyes staring back at him.

Honey brown.

“Sanha, you’re awake!” was all he heard before he was pulled into a tight embrace. “You scared me. I thought I lost you.” Rocky pulled away and Sanha felt his heart clench at the sight of tears. “Why didn’t you tell me? That you were dying?”

Sanha froze. He remembered now. The sudden attack from the day before. But Rocky wasn’t supposed to be here until tomorrow.

“Why are you here?” Sanha rasped. Rocky looked hurt at the question and Sanha back tracked. “I meant, aren’t you supposed to come home tomorrow?”

“Sanha... I’m here because I got a message that my mate collapsed and wouldn’t wake up!” Rocky didn’t scream but it felt like he did. “I came home to see you practically at the brink of death, only finding out we could have avoided this.”

Sanha looked away, feeling guilty. “I...I was scared. I didn’t want to pressure you nor did I want pity. You also never gave a hint you wanted to complete our bond.”

Rocky took his face and faced Sanha to him. “Sanha. I _ love _ you. Marking you isn’t pressure and it certainly wouldn’t be out of pity. _ I _didn’t want to pressure you and I wanted to prove myself worthy of you before offering the soulbond.” Sanha stared in shock while Rocky gazed at him. The Epsilon shook his head and leaned his head against Sanha’s. “I’m sorry your memories of completing our bonding will be tainted from my rejection of you. I already bit you last night but it isn’t a full mark.” Rocky closed his eyes like he was finding strength before opening them again with a determined look. “I’m a right bastard and I’m sorry to put you through so much. But know this Sanha, I want this bond and I want you.”

Sanha closed his eyes tightly. He felt like his heart was going to swell with too much affection. Maybe fate wasn’t so cruel, maybe he could live his life like he imagined it to be. He opened his eyes and leaned closer, lips a breath away from the other’s own. “Mark me.”

Rocky’s eyes glowed, Sanha’s own flashing in response before Rocky sealed his mouth over Sanha’s. 

The kiss was fiery, the pent up energy from both mixing into the kiss. Sanha didn’t think there would be a time like this. But he wasn’t complaining. He arched his back when his mate’s hand brushed underneath him before pulling him against the hard lines of his body. Even with their clothes on, Sanha could feel every ridge and every muscle. His own hands snake up towards the other’s hair, pulling against it when Rocky sucked his bottom lip harshly. 

“Up.” He didn’t waste any time before he sat up and let Rocky take off his shirt. He followed suit and removed the other’s own clothing before dragging his hands down against smooth skin. Rocky’s kisses moved down towards his neck and he tilted his head to give more access as his mouth fell open in short gasps. The amount of pleasure building within him was making him too hot. “_ Please.” _He wasn’t sure what he was asking for, but when his mate gave a brutal suck on what Sanha assumed was his mark, he screamed.

It wasn’t long before Rocky divested them both of the rest of their clothing. He laid down bare on his pillows as he tried not to writhe against Rocky’s wandering hands. “I love you.” The whispered caress against his skin had him biting his lip from crying out when his nubs were twisted to pleasurable pain. “_ Rock-ky _ ! _ Please!” _ He didn’t know he closed his eyes until Rocky told him to open them, to watch him just as his hand snaked underneath and towards his most vulnerable. A finger prodded slowly, petting and getting him used to the feeling before the first intrusion went. His mate kept him locked in his gaze as he let out tiny moans of delight. Fingers scissored in and out and Sanha thought he couldn’t take it anymore before it all disappeared. Hands rubbed up and down his chest, before going further south and enveloping him tightly. He gasped as his mate rubbed up and down, feeling like he was about to burst before his eyes rolled into the back of his head when suddenly he was filled in one exact movement just as canines scraped against his neck and burying them deep into his skin. Marking him. “Sanha. Sanha. Sanha.” His name fell like a chant from his mate’s lips as they moved in one. He found the strength to pull the other one down before giving into the pleasure as he too finally marked Rocky as his. _ Forever _.

* * *

When Sanha came to be what he was decades ago, he loathed himself. When that random person _ saved _ him, he wasn’t really saved from the life he was to lead on that very night he took his last breath, only to awaken a whole new being. He became a vampire.

But after years of living, he finally accepted his new reality. He adjusted and he became as happy as he could. He met his new family and he was finally starting over. But then he met _ him _. His mate. 

As two creatures of the night, it wasn’t unusual for them to bond. But his mate had hated him and had then rejected him. That’s when he loathed himself again.

Then his life took another turn. And in the end, he finally let go of that hatred for himself.

Sanha’s life was a rollercoaster of emotions. He could say he went through hell in a short amount of time. He thought fate was too cruel for taking his happiness away from him time and time again. He thought he’d never be truly complete. He went down a hard road, but still arrived at his destination.

***

_ They would be their everything, someone who would love them for who they were, someone who would live for eternity with them - human or not - and they would be their other half who would complement them in every single way. _

Sanha looked at Rocky’s sleeping face, his arm around Sanha possessively even in sleep. As much as their story went through hardships, he’d never change his spiritual love for anyone else. Rocky was it; _he_ was his.

  
His _ nocturnus dilectio. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking through until the last phase! The end may be vague to some, and I left it open in many parts of the story. It is to the reader's interpretation for most parts :) but if you have questions about what else happened that wasn't in the story, I will gladly answer them.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and until the next! Hope you enjoyed Sanha and Rocky in _ nocturnus dilectio _ and I hope someday you'll find yours too (though without the angst and all).

**Author's Note:**

> This will be in 3 phases! it was too long to be all at once :) hope you enjoyed this :(


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